My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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