I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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