Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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