I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
