You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
