I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
jump out the window naked night went bad
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