you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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