the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
