my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
