his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
