What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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