When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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