I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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