I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
