Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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