know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
