If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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