Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
