youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
