New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
