Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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