This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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