1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
