i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
