i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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