How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
