his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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