Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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