and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
