I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
