i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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