I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
