You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
