I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
