I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
