I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
