Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
