Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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