People in love make me want to vomit
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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