Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
