I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
