allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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