Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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