This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
