I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
