mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
