just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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