guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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