So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
