I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
