they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
