Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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