what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
