Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
