I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
